Chapter 15 ~ Speak My Name
“A train bound for nowhere
Determined by no one
Move onward fool”
A blast of a passing train shook her to an awakening. She was there, he was not. She thought she heard him talking to someone. Still in a fog, she slowly moved to a sitting position. Where was his voice coming from? Slowly she removed the quilt that acted not only as a blanket but as the bedspread. She thought she smelled coffee brewing. Maybe, she just wanted it so bad that she imagined it. Thoughts of conversations that she had had with her friends and her own conscience swam through her brain. Fear of being taken the fool could not move completely from her being.
The door squeaking startled him into reality. “Good morning, what time is it?” He raised one finger as if to say just a minute, he was on the phone, she just hadn’t noticed until then. Sitting on the picnic table, phone in one hand, cigarette in the other, he was intent on finishing his phone conversation. She slowly wandered over near him when she spotted what she had been moved to romantic delusions in the past. A beautiful mourning dove sitting on a branch of a huge pine tree that reached out over the table. Nature has a wonderful way of providing shelter for lovers. A gentle coo rang out, embracing her spirit. She swore she winked at her. She would be okay.
“Good morning baby, did you sleep well?”
“I think so, I don’t really remember, so I guess, I did.” She smiled and moved her curly, messy blond hair out of her eyes. “Did I smell coffee?”
“Yes, I did brew you some, but I did not get milk.” Going only part of the way had become the norm. Unlike in the beginning of the relationship, he went out of his way to make her feel like she mattered. Now she was waffling between and unwelcomed guest, and the one he desired. Hearing her name called out in the middle of the night as he clung on to her tightly only confused her more. “What is spoken in the middle of the night is to be taken seriously” she thought.
Her thoughts went back to the point in their relationship when it went wrong. He let her, the silver haired witch threaten her, reduce her to a participant in a Jerry Springer episode. Why, why couldn’t she just let go of that and realize that she had the chance then to run, but she listened to what she wanted to here, and that was that she was needed.
It took her a while to realize why he didn’t stand up and defend her that night. He wasn’t over the silver haired witch yet. A part of her role in his separation was that he could get better than his estranged wife. Better looking, better, outlook, better all around. But, like so many, love has nothing to do with looks, or career, or personality. Relationships built out of need and fantasies have their own rationale.
She found herself drifting when he brought her back to reality. “Well, we have to get going. I have an appointment near Indianapolis you will have to ride with me and then I will bring you to the station. After a few stops, we will grab lunch in the circle at the market. I want to show you a few things.”
She choked back a sob. He sounded so matter of fact. “What things?” she softly spoke.
“Like where I went to kindergarten, where my sister lived and where she is buried, the house I lived in when I first graduated from college, just a few things.” He spoke proudly as if he really wanted her to be a part of where he came from.
She was flattered and he was pulling her in. “Yes, he spoke my name, it all makes sense,” she was pleased.
“Well, sweet girl, let’s get going.”
She slid off of the picnic table. Looked back up at the mourning dove that looked down at her and flinched as she swore the dove shook its head in warning. “Fool, fool, onward fool.”
